ATC: Say altitude
Pilot (feeling frisky): altitude
ATC: Say ALTITUDE
ATC: Say 'Canceling IFR'
Pilot: Level 8000
Several planes were running up
and waiting to take off, many Cessna's including a 337. With all the students
and several similar call signs, the controllers were getting a tad confused. The
controller finally asked: "Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"
A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after a moment, "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not think that I would yet be considered the 'Skymaster.'"
A friend of mine was ferrying his
Blanick to a nearby airport on the other side of some Class C Airspace. The 182
tow plane had no radio, but the Blanick did. No problem, after departing the
glider called, ATC and gave their intentions to cross The Class C airspace.
About halfway across, ATC requested a 90 degree right turn. My friend
responded. "What do you want me do? Yell out the window?"
A crew in a Baron was taxiing at
LAX back in the sixties and encountered one of the (then) new 747's. Both pilot
and co- were all eyes as both aircraft approached the same intersection.
Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised
wake turbulence - UA 737. [pause]
Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.
Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.
Someone: Giggles and laughter in background.
After several unsuccessful attempts
to raise the student pilot whom the tower has just issued instructions to: "You
have to key in the mic...I can't see you when you nod your head."
A true story from my Scottish
days when a C152 pilot was asked to report his height prior to clearance to
enter the zone, replied: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred", upon
which the Controller very smartly replied, "Roger, prepare to fire retro-rockets
and re-enter the atmosphere!"
C-150: Tower this is N-1234 can
you give us a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger N-1234 we show you at 110 knots
Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-5678 can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger that N-5678 we show you at 201 knots
F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?
Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.
... then in a distant crackly voice,
"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."
Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.
"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."
Another student, a not too bright
woman, was coming in for a landing. The radio in the FBO was set to the ground
freq. It seems that she landed on the taxi way.
The ground controller told her, "please call 555-9876 after you park the plane".
She answered, "No thank you sir, I'm already married."
Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna
12345 over South County Airport at four thousand feet, request permission to
land at San Jose.
Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel? (the current SJC ATIS)
Cessna: Negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law.
American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms?
Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery:
"GAF269, you are cleared to
destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet
thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or
below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156
direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian
Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present
position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing
15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT
thereafter intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil."
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around,
there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a
twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and
continues to the taxiway
At London Gatwick: an Air France
A320 is making an auto-approach. At 200 feet, the computer decided to make a
go-around with no reason and no command from the crew. Here is what we head on
the TWR freq.:
Air France: London from Air France 1234, It's going around!
London TWR: Air France 1234, report intentions
Air France: Well ... to go with it sir!
After the landing of a United Airlines
demo ride of their new Boeing 777,
the FA gave the usual announcement: "Please remain seated with your
seat belts fastened until the aircraft comes to a complete stop and the
captain turns off the seat belt sign. To our knowledge, no passenger
has ever beaten the aircraft to the gate anyway, so you may as well stay
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touch down."